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Thursday, March 5, 2026
behind the scenes / unbridaled hilarious excerpts
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the purposeful use of confusion / invention is
Hans Richter, Dada: Art and Anti-Art (New York: McGraw-Hill, n.d.), p. 145—
One day [German Dadaist artist Kurt] Schwitters decided he wanted to meet [German artist] George Grosz. George Grosz was decidedly surly; the hatred in his pictures often overflowed into his private life. But Schwitters was not one to be put off. He wanted to meet Grosz, so [Walter] Mehring took him up to Grosz's flat. Schwitters rang the bell and Grosz opened the door.
"Good morning, Herr Grosz. My name is Schwitters."
"I am not Grosz," answered the other and slammed the door. There was nothing to be done.
Half way down the stairs, Schwitters stopped suddenly and said, "Just a moment."
Up the stairs he went, and once more rang Grosz's bell. Grosz, enraged by this continual jangling, opened the door, but before he could say a word, Schwitters said "I am not Schwitters, either." And went downstairs again. Finis. They never met again.
One day [German Dadaist artist Kurt] Schwitters decided he wanted to meet [German artist] George Grosz. George Grosz was decidedly surly; the hatred in his pictures often overflowed into his private life. But Schwitters was not one to be put off. He wanted to meet Grosz, so [Walter] Mehring took him up to Grosz's flat. Schwitters rang the bell and Grosz opened the door.
"Good morning, Herr Grosz. My name is Schwitters."
"I am not Grosz," answered the other and slammed the door. There was nothing to be done.
Half way down the stairs, Schwitters stopped suddenly and said, "Just a moment."
Up the stairs he went, and once more rang Grosz's bell. Grosz, enraged by this continual jangling, opened the door, but before he could say a word, Schwitters said "I am not Schwitters, either." And went downstairs again. Finis. They never met again.
Monday, March 2, 2026
plastic surgeon from Michigan meets the pope
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| Roy R. Behrens, Bus to Beijing, digital montage (©2004) |
Alec Guinness, Blessings in Disguise (Pleasantville NY: Akadine Press, 2001), p. 46—
[In 1958, four days before the death of Pope Pius XII, British actor Alec Guinness was allowed to join an audience with the Holy Father, in a group that consisted primarily of plastic surgeons. Guinness stood “near the end of the line next to a middle-aged American couple,” where] I didn’t grasp what the Pope said to me...but I assumed it was about surgical alterations to the face and not about theatrical make-up; but I did catch every word said by the Americans. They both kneeled to kiss the Fisherman’s Ring, and then the man burst into loud sobs, the tears coursing down his face. The Pope [who was suļ¬ering from hiccups] patted him, took his hand, saying the Italian equivalent of “There! There!” and the man grasped his white cassock. The wife explained her husband away with a motherly smile. I imagined her to be a woman who would not have permitted him to buy his own shirts, socks or underpants. “He’s so moved, Your Holiness,” she said. “It is such an honor to meet you. Isn’t it, dear? He’s always like this on great occasions. Aren’t you, dear? Oh, he’s very moved! And just think, Your Holiness—we’ve come all the way from Michigan!” The Pope mastered a hiccup. “Michigan?” “Sure, Michigan.” “I know Michigan,” the Pope said, and managing to free himself from the plastic surgeon’s grip he raised a hand in blessing: “A special blessing on Michigan!” Those were probably the last words of English he spoke. The entourage sped him away from the audience chamber. His private doctor followed, glowering at each of us in turn as he passed.
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pus-tilence / the god of war is drunk with blood
Sherwood Anderson in H.H. Campbell, ed., The Sherwood Anderson Diaries, 1936-1941. Athens GA: University of Georgia Press, 1987—
Went with Katy and Mims to a German place in Philadelphia [in 1936]. Danced. It was hot and I took off my coat. They saw my brown shirt and cheered. They thought me a Nazi.
•••
William Blake—
The god of war is drunk with blood,
The earth doth faint and fail;
The stench of blood makes sick the heav'ns;
Ghosts glut the throat of hell!
•••
Anon—
There is a pus on the Presidency.
Went with Katy and Mims to a German place in Philadelphia [in 1936]. Danced. It was hot and I took off my coat. They saw my brown shirt and cheered. They thought me a Nazi.
•••
William Blake—
The god of war is drunk with blood,
The earth doth faint and fail;
The stench of blood makes sick the heav'ns;
Ghosts glut the throat of hell!
•••
Anon—
There is a pus on the Presidency.
Saturday, February 28, 2026
art prank / replacing old sockets with new ones
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| Roy R. Behrens, Deplorable Strikes ©2004 |
Jeffrey Vallance, quoted in Pranks, an edition of Re/Search (February 1988), p. 115—
One day I walked around the Museum looking at paintings and noticed that underneath them were all these wall sockets. So I bought a number of wall sockets and painted stupid little scientific scenes on them, like microscopes and dinosaurs and cows and slabs of butter. I showed up at the Museum in a janitor's outfit, with a name tag and a toolbox, and started replacing the old wall sockets with my new ones. I had friends in the hallway who would whistle every time a guard came near—then I'd go somewhere else. Sometimes I had to move furniture out of the way, and if ladies would be sitting down I'd have to say, "Can you please move? I have to fix this wall socket." Nobody caught me. I sent out a bunch of invitations, just like a real show, and people came down. I made up some nicely illustrated programs, and sent one to the Museum to tell them about my project. I thought I'd get some sort of reaction...but I never heard from them...they hushed the whole thing up, and the wall sockets remained there for about two years.
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have shriveled testicle from mumps / can't marry
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| Roy R. Behrens, Levitation © 2004 |
Danny Ballow, quoted in Elizabeth Stone, Black Sheep and Kissing Cousins: How Our Family Stories Shape Us (New York: Times Books 1988) p. 208—
It began with him [my father] telling me about how he had the mumps, and then leaps forward to my parents' courtship by mail when he was in America and she was still in London. He told me that during the course of the correspondence, he wrote, "I think I have to tell you something. I have a shriveled left testicle, and I can't marry you because I'm not able to have children."
He sealed the letter and mailed it, and then he thought, "Oh no, what did I do?" He went to the mailbox but the postman had already come and taken the letter. So he went down to the central mail office in Brooklyn...and they said, "Well it's somewhere in all these sacks." My father said, "I've got to get it." And he went through the sacks. I have this image of my father going through millions of letters. And he found the letter! He tore it up, and he didn't send it.
Wednesday, February 4, 2026
William Blake, neuroscience, esthetics & sports
Above William Blake Poster (2011) © Roy R. Behrens.
•••
Roy R. Behrens, Art, Design, and Brain Research: Non-Scientific Thoughts about Neuroesthetics in Gestalt Theory, Vol 35 No 2 (2013), pp 169-182—
Today, when I think about defining art (in truth, it’s something I usually try to avoid), I am reminded of an old routine that was part of a Monty Python comedy in 1972. It was a parody of an athletic competition, and one segment featured a sports-running contest in which the participants were "people with no sense of direction." In that sketch, the athletes were shown in their starting positions, awaiting the sound of the pistol. When the gun sounded, they all ran off—not down the track as expected, but instead in a wacky confusion of speeds, directions and running styles.…
I find it ironic that artists today are distressed by the imbalance of public devotion to art and athletics, and the seemingly limitless funding that goes to competitive sports in our society. It is typical for an artist to ask: Why isn't such funding given to the arts instead? Why is there so little coverage of art in the news when such excessive attention is given to sports? Why does art have such low priority in public education? In short: Why don't people take art seriously? I suspect this is largely explainable by the fact that in art, as widely practiced now, just as in the Monty Python sketch, there is no credible "contest" to watch.
•••
Roy R. Behrens, Art, Design, and Brain Research: Non-Scientific Thoughts about Neuroesthetics in Gestalt Theory, Vol 35 No 2 (2013), pp 169-182—
Today, when I think about defining art (in truth, it’s something I usually try to avoid), I am reminded of an old routine that was part of a Monty Python comedy in 1972. It was a parody of an athletic competition, and one segment featured a sports-running contest in which the participants were "people with no sense of direction." In that sketch, the athletes were shown in their starting positions, awaiting the sound of the pistol. When the gun sounded, they all ran off—not down the track as expected, but instead in a wacky confusion of speeds, directions and running styles.…
I find it ironic that artists today are distressed by the imbalance of public devotion to art and athletics, and the seemingly limitless funding that goes to competitive sports in our society. It is typical for an artist to ask: Why isn't such funding given to the arts instead? Why is there so little coverage of art in the news when such excessive attention is given to sports? Why does art have such low priority in public education? In short: Why don't people take art seriously? I suspect this is largely explainable by the fact that in art, as widely practiced now, just as in the Monty Python sketch, there is no credible "contest" to watch.
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Tuesday, January 20, 2026
end of performative writing / writing for voice
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| Roy R. Behrens © 2005 |
Above Exhibition flyer for works by Mary Snyder Behrens (2005).
•••
I think contemporary fiction is divided between those who are still writing performatively and those who are not. Writing for voice, in which you imagine a performance in the auditory sense going on, is traditional and old-fashioned and dying. The new mode is not performative and not auditory. It's destined for the printed page, and you are really supposed to read it the way they teach you to read in speed reading. You are supposed to crisscross the page with your eye, getting references and gists; you are supposed to see it flowing on the page, and not sound it in the head. If you do sound it, it is so bad you can hardly proceed...By the mouth for the ear: that's the way I'd like to write. I can still admire the other—the way I admire surgeons, broncobusters, and tight ends. As writing, it is that foreign to me.
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how do you like your blue-eyed bird, mr. death?
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| Roy R. Behrens, © digital montage |
•••
Once I was playing by the fence and a peasant boy my age [whom he was forbidden to play with] was watching me from a few meters away. Suddenly he grabbed a stone, I presume as a joke, and threw it at me. It hit my forehead and I bled a little. He certainly had not intended to be mean. My mother washed my forehead and told my father [who was the boss of the other boy's father] what had happened. Father became enraged. He summoned the child and the child's father. After referring briefly to the incident, he gave the father a dreadful beating. The peasant endured it quietly, without defending himself. As he walked off with his child, I could see him beating him the whole way home. The boy screamed frightfully. I was very upset, but said nothing and crept away to hide. I was about eight years old.
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Sunday, January 18, 2026
to catch a green lizard without its tail falling off
Above Roy R. Behrens, book cover design for Joseph Langland, The Sacrifice Poems. Cedar Falls IA: North American Review, 1975.
•••
To write a poem is like trying to catch a lizard without its tail falling off. In India when I was a boy they had great big green lizards there, and if you shouted or shot them their tails would fall off. There was only one boy in the school who could catch lizards intact. No one knew quite how he did it. He had a special soft way of going up to them, and he'd bring them back with their tails on. That strikes me as the best analogy I can give you. To try and catch your poem without its tail falling off.
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Saturday, January 17, 2026
Rainbow / machine-stitched appliquƩ and thread
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| Mary Snyder Behrens © 1986 |
•••
H.H. Green, Simple Life of a Commoner, 1911—
But of all the things I saw that day, there was one that so deeply interested me that I have never forgotten its exact appearance. It was a wonder to a boy of my age and would be of considerable interest even now. It was just a common ordinary pocket knife with a bone handle and blades of steel, but it contained 1,851 [because it was made to be shown for the first time at the Crystal Palace Exhibition in London, the first World's Fair, in 1851] of those steel blades, from one to two feet long and proportionally wide and thick, on down of all sorts and sizes till the smallest could not have been more than a quarter of an inch long. They were all open from the handle and stood out in all directions like the quills on a porcupine's back when he is on a war footing. Up to that time that was the greatest sight I had even seen. I have often thought since, if that knife had been lost for a thousand years and then found by some antiquarian, what a time the wiseacres might have had ever the monstrous size of a man, who, in the middle of the nineteenth century carried a pocket knife like that.
Thursday, January 15, 2026
proof / the curse of whiskey undercuts longevity
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| Roy R. Behrens © 2011, digital montage (detail) |
Well, my grandfather came from Poland, and he just died here about a year ago, at the age of ninety-five. I remember one thing he said. He was a very wise man, but he was kind of a boozer all his life... On his birthday or something like that I'd take him a bottle of bourbon. And he told me one day when I brought him a bottle of bourbon for his birthday—! think he was ninety-two at the time—he said that he had given up alcohol, that alcohol had killed two of his brothers and so he thought that it was time for him to quit, because he wasn't old enough to die yet. So I asked him about the brothers it had killed. And he told me it had killed his brothers Colin and Stanley. I checked up on it and found that Colin was ninety-two when he died and Stanley was eighty-nine.
Wednesday, January 14, 2026
art is rare, sacred and hard work / no short cuts
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| Mary Snyder Behrens, Drawn Conclusions No. 14, Cleave 2005 |
Art begins with craft, and there is no art until craft has been mastered. You can't create unless you're willing to subordinate the creative impulse to the construction of a form. But the learning of a craft takes time, and we all think we're entitled to short cuts…Art is rare and sacred and hard work, and there ought to be a wall of fire around it.
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slow art / deep-running skill and doggedness
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| Roy R. Behrens (©2011), Barbarian Seville. Digital book montage. |
What we need more of is slow art: art that holds time as a vase holds water: art that grows out of modes of perception and whose skill and doggedness make you think and feel; art that isn't merely sensational, that doesn't get its message across in ten seconds, that isn't falsely iconic, that hooks into something deep-running in our natures. In a word, art that is the very opposite of mass media.
See also "Art, Design and Brain Research: Non-Scientific Thoughts about Neuroesthetics" in Gestalt Theory (Vienna), 2013.
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Tuesday, January 13, 2026
Indian eyes / the role of ocular culture in high art
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| © Mary Snyder Behrens |
•••
Ginu Kamani, “Code Switching” in Meri Nana-Ama Danquah, ed., Becoming American: Personal Essays by First Generation Immigrant Women (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 99—
Indian lore is full of the magical power of the eyes—justified, in my view, as Indian eyes are truly incomparable. The cultural emphasis on implicit rather than explicit communication, on keeping emotions in check, on placing others before self, and observing duty-bound restrictions on words and action, transforms ocular communication into a high art. In the Vedas, the visual gaze is considered as potent as the transmission of semen between bodies. Westerners are often entranced by the eyes of Indian gurus and holy men, whose gaze casts an enticing spell. Many have felt hypnotized, submitting to a power they cannot fathom.
Sunday, January 11, 2026
not funny adults / do you know what happened
Above Roy R. Behrens, acrylic painting [title and whereabouts unknown], 1968.
•••
In 1948 when I was six years old, I was selected to appear on Art Linkletter's radio program People Are Funny. The night before the show, my mother worked feverishly getting me ready. On the show I was the first child to be announced. Art Linkletter asked me "Debby, do you know what happened last night?" In my cutest little voice, I responded, "No, what?" There was hysterical laughter. Without saying another word to me, Art Linkletter turned to the next child and asked him the same question. He answered, "President Truman was elected." I have spent the rest of my life trying to figure out what happened.
•••
bush whacked / rhymes with porky, no offense
Above Roy R. Behrens, painting titled Homage to Arshile Gorky. © 1967. As an undergraduate art student, I had become greatly interested in Abstract Expressionism, and had written a paper about Gorky's famous painting, The Liver is the Cock's Comb. At the time, I hadn't yet discovered that Gorky had taught a camouflage course for civilians during WWII at the Grand Central School of Art in NYC.
•••
"I just want to apologize to you for what I said," she [Barbara Bush] told me over the phone while I was in the middle of another debate rehearsal. "I certainly didn't mean anything by it."
"Don't worry about it," I said to her. "We all say things at times we don't mean. It's all right."
"Oh," she said breathlessly, "You're such a lady."
All I could think when I hung up was: Thank God for my convent school training.
•••
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Saturday, January 10, 2026
an anagram overkill / What's for repas, Eclat?
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| Nature Poster / Roy R. Behrens © 2019 |
At Oxford we had an au pair girl named Tecla, and I could not get over the feeling that the name was a garble. I kept trying anagrams. I would say, "Set the table, Tacle." "Bring the treacle, Tecal." "Bring the meat, Cleat." "Take my plate, Clate." "What's for repas, Eclat?" "All set, Alcet?" My wife was afraid Tecla might leave.
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the endangered practice of designing posters
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| Poster / Roy R. Behrens © 2019 |
•••
Wilbert Snow, Codline's Child (Middletown, CT: Wesleyan University Press, 1974), pp. 37-38—
There were no septic tanks and no sewers in our village. Each home had a backhouse that had to be cleaned out once a year. For three years, when I was between ten and thirteen, I did this chore for [a woman neighbor named] Fronie. Each time she gave me five dollars, and five dollars to me then was far more than five hundred would be to me now. In those days no lime was thrown over the dung to make the task easier for the shoveler. Each time I became deathly sick, but I needed the five dollars so desperately that I saw the job through. I have no words to express the horror of those two or three hours each year. I would lie on my stomach and throw up when there was little or nothing to yield. After the job was over, I would go to the Mill Cove for a swim and to Patten Point to smell the fragrance of fir trees and bayberry bushes.
•••
Wednesday, January 7, 2026
the transition from man to gluttonous mongoose
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| Poster, Roy R. Behrens © 2011 |
It was important, at meals, to keep the wine or beer or spirits out of Swinburne's reach. If this were not done, as often by host or hostesses not aware of his weakness, he would gradually fix his stare upon the bottle as if he wished to fascinate it, and then, in a moment, flash or pounce upon it, like a mongoose on a snake, drawing it towards him as though it resisted and had be to be struggled with. Then, if no one had the presence of mind to interfere, a tumbler was filled in a moment, and Swinburne had drained it to the last drop, sucking in the liquid with a sort of fiery gluttony, tilting the glass into his shaking lips, and violently opening and shutting his eyelids. It was an extraordinary sight, and one which never failed to fill me with alarm, for after that the Bacchic transition might come at any moment.
Tuesday, January 6, 2026
I mean the thing you use to rub out mistakes
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| Altered book montages, Roy R. Behrens © 2004 |
American English isn't the British English that is spoken in southern Africa. I walked into a stationery shop and said to the man behind the counter, "I would like to buy a rubber, please." The man said: "We don't sell them in ones. We sell them in threes." I said: "But I want only one rubber." The man became hostile: "But I told you we only sell them in threes." I said: "All right, I'll take three then." The man walked to the back of the shop and returned with a small packet of prophylactics that he handed to me. He had such a peculiar look in his eyes that I thought he believed I was a prostitute who had suddenly invaded Iowa City. Half fainting with shock I struggled to explain, "I mean the thing you rub mistakes out with." "Oh," he said, "you mean an eraser."
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awaiting the shared use of a set of false teeth
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| Altered book montages, Roy R. Behrens © 2004 |
[My paternal grandfather] was a great teller of jokes, typically without preamble, to trap you into thinking you were hearing about some real event. One of these horrified me so much [as a child] that I have never forgotten it. A Scotsman (I was still so young that I had not heard about Scotsmen being supposed to be mean) took his wife out to dinner. Both order steak. The wife started eating hers at top speed, but the man left his untouched. "Something wrong with the steak, sir?"—" No, no, I'm waiting for my wife's teeth." I had not then heard of false teeth either, and imagined the living teeth being torn from the woman's jaws on the spot and inserted into her husband's.
milkman comes up the walk and pauses to talk
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| Altered Book Montages / Roy R. Behrens © 2004 |
Early one morning during this period he [Booth Tarkington] went for a walk after an unusually long writing session. He met the milkman coming up the walk and stopped to talk: ''You been up all night?" he [the milkman] asked. ''Yes," I answered. "What you been doin'?" he went on. "Working," said I. "Workin'!" said he. "What at?" "Writing," said I. "How long?" said he. "Since yesterday noon," said I. "About sixteen hours." "My God," said he. ''You must have lots of time to waste!"
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